The hands of my great grandfather (太公) were the most wrinkled I had ever seen. His “house”, or rather, a wooden shed, was not well-lighted because it is one floor below the road level. Need to go down the dirt stairs to go to his “house”. He was the one who took care of my mother for the first 6 six years of her life. She had much affection for him.
One of his sons was living in a better-built house with his two wives and children, just right opposite him, on much higher ground (above road level). The condition of his “house” is such, it is only about 2 metres’ wide x 5 metres’ long, with a “negative 5 star rating” for his toilet (slanting floor and slippery). The worst was, great grandfather had diabetes, half-blind and half-deaf. I was in primary school and remembered that I had to always shout at him for him to hear me, whenever our family visited him a few times a year. We lived about 3 hours away from him in another city.
Many times, when太公 could still see better, my late father asked the sons why not send 太公 to an old folks’ home to be taken care of, instead of the shabby hut (不是人住的地方) because of the risk of slipping etc. So many excuses, but ultimately it comes down to saving money and perhaps saving face (because of the taboo of “throwing away one’s parent”).
Eventually, after many discussions, my late father convinced two of his sons to send太公 to an elderly care home, and his health condition actually improved, also gained a little more weight. Father also paid 1/3 of the monthly fees. After a few months, one of the sons informed father that they sent 太公 back to the old shed, because he could no longer afford to pay for the 1/3 of the monthly fees.
One day, when they were sending a meal to 太公, he was found on the floor of the shed, no longer breathing. He was almost 100 years old.
Modern times have changed. The Chinese concept of filial piety, or even of other cultures–what is it that is really important? How others see your actions, or, what the fruit of your actions will show? There would most probably come a time, when a parent has an exceptionally long life, there would be a gradual loss of physical and even mental faculties. There are many ways that we, as the younger generation, could really care for them.
1. Frequent visits to their home
2. Home safety features and personal aids
3. Outpatient geriatric care
4. Elderly care home
5. Private geriatric nurse at home
Caring for an elderly is a highly specialised endeavour that takes up a lot of energy and patience, especially if the parent is stubborn (which would most likely be) AND in need of medical assistance. The reason being, if a person ages in a deteriorating manner*, the mindset reverts to being a willful toddler. So, similar to interacting with a toddler, the way to convince them of anything is to treat them like one. Doing that on a daily basis, for someone who is not a geriatric specialist and still needs to work/has their own life, is highly draining and can even be harmful to health.
If eventually, after asking for specialist/geriatric advice, the best course of action to ensure the elderly’s wellbeing is to admit them to an elderly care home (siblings should share the cost of monthly fees evenly!), one could do the following:
Coax them, instead of forcing, and give them the freedom of choice in certain aspects of their lives. No “child” likes to think that they are being “abandoned” in a place that is not their original home. Let them see the positives, ie. They can make new friends, don’t have to worry about certain things, etc. Be creative, because one would know their parent best. Let them know that they could choose to get out if eventually they don’t like being there. Let them have a peace of mind. Visit them often, as usual. And above all, pray over this, that things will go smoothly, for the best of everyone involved.
*Not everyone ages the same way, my Jesuit ex-boss who is 86 now and in good health, just published his book “50 Years as a Jesuit Priest” 2 years ago and still very active in his endeavours. Keeping one’s self mentally and physically active, with decent nutrition and a light-hearted view of life will greatly help.
Photo by Amisha Nakhwa
Roots & Wings 